you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
organizing the empties. That sober.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
