I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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