I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Sorry my hands just texted you
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
