...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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