Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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