Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
