your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
