Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
