Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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