I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
