On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
