I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
