Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i will never coherently bang her
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
