Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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