How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Your topless pictures make me question reality
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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