you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
