Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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