She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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