i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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