I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
