you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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