i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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