thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
why does every cop we meet know your name?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
