Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
