she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
