Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
