Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
