I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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