the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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