oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
