In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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