I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
