when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
