Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
