I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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