There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
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