she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
