i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
