I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
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