Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
