His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
