Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
then he tried to convert me to islam
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We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
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why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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