i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
