if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
