The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
