i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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