I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
