I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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