So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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