yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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