I accidentally had phone sex last night
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.