i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
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