Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
