last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
