she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
i've created a new STD.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
