Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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