He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
