My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize