Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
