Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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