the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
