I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
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remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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