I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
